if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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