Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
