theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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