More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
