The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
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