Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
How's work?
Spinning.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Randomize
