I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
