when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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