I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
