I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
did you just send me my own nude
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
