She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Randomize
