He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
