I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
