can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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