Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
