I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
