the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
