everyone is single if you try hard enough
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
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