you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
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