I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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