I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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