note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Randomize
