Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
