i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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