i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
