I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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