what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
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