Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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