wrigley field is MILF paradise
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
