Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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