I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
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