I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
She told me I should be a condom model.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
