Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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