I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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