at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
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