Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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