I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
