i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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