it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
