pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
