I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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