im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
