Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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