Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
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