I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
