So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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