God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
