When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
