He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
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