we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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